Thanks

We were both very nervous to let others read this blog, but everyone has been very supportive. We were unsure of the responses we'd get. It was very hard to create this blog and let others in on how we feel. Most people besides our mothers (and a few others) have no idea everything we have gone through and all the pain we have felt. We have done our best to put on a happy face and not let others know what we're going through. But I can only keep it bottled inside for so long. I've always been better with putting my thoughts and feelings in writing instead of saying them in person. I know a lot of people don't know what to say to us or when to ask us questions. What do you say something to a couple that is in our situation? There is not much you can really say. Just pray for us and support us. That means everything in the world to us. I have never been very religious, but for over 2 years now, I have prayed to god every single night to help us. I have to have faith that he is leading us down this path for a reason.

In the meantime...

Waiting is the hardest thing ever, so we decided to take on remodeling our upstairs. What were we thinking? It has been a huge undertaking. I know it will look amazing when it's done, it just doesn't ever feel like it will be done. When we bought the house almost 3 years ago, we wanted to replace the carpet because the previous owners didn't take care of it, but we put if off because we didn't want to spend the money. This year we decided to use our tax return and to pay for it. Then we thought about it and said if we are going to do that, then lets do everything we want to the upstairs before we have new carpet laid. The plans were to: take down popcorn ceiling and respray, paint all the ceilings, paint all the walls, replace bedroom doors, replace closet doors, replace blinds, replace all baseboards upstairs, find new bedding and curtains for master bedroom and guest bedroom and set up a nursery. First step was removing our horrible popcorn ceilings by scrapping them down and retexurizing them. Boy was this a messy job. Naturally Shane didn't like them, so we hired someone to spray them last Tuesday. They look really good now. Then this past Saturday and Sunday, we worked on the house for about 25 hours. We worked our butts off and were so exhausted. We painted all the ceilings upstairs, painted the nursery white, took down all the doors, closet doors and baseboards. We have been trying to work on it a little each day, but by the time we both get off work, we have little motivation to work on the house. Guess that means we will be working on it most of this weekend. We are hoping to have carpet laid by the end of March, so we have to get most of the work done before then. Shane and I have very different taste, but we were able to agree on all the wall colors and bed sets. I will post pics when it is all done. Some of you may be asking why are we setting up a nursery when we don't have a child yet. One of the requirements for fostering is to have a room set up for the child. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, but setting up a nursery has been one of things we have been waiting years to do. Friends of ours were generous enough to give us their daughter's old crib. Now we just have to find a dresser that somewhat matches and pick out a neutral bedding set that can be used for either sex.

Our next step

I figured I am getting the hang of this blogging, so I will finish where I left off earlier. After much discussion, tears and research, we have decided to adopt. We have never been apposed to adopting. We just wish it could have been a choice instead of our only option. Our first choice was to adopt from Russia, but with costs of $30,000+, that was quickly ruled out. We did look into domestic infant adoption. The costs for that are still unbelievable, $15,000-$30,000. Even if we scraped together every dime we had and borrowed money from family, we would be completely broke in the end. I don't want to try and raise a child while in debt. How do all those families out there who adopt afford it? Plus, if the birthmother changes her mind, we have lost all the money we have given her for expenses and we lose some agency or lawyer expenses as well. We weren't sure if that is a chance we were willing to take. So we have decided to foster-to-adopt. We know that this is a VERY risky road, but it will virtually cost nothing in the end. My grandparents have fostered for over 25 years and while they have done an amazing thing, that is not what we want. We want to foster with the intend to adopt. We know nothing is guaranteed (especially with the Florida system), but we will request to only take children that are on the road or plan to be on the road to adoption. I plan on making this very clear to our social worker. We figured we will give this a try and if several children get yanked from our home, then we will reconsider this whole process.

We have found an agency to go through to get licensed and so far they have been really nice. We are only in the beginning stages and there is so much to do still. We have filled out our initial application packet and had our medical exams done. The next step is to take 26 hours of MAPP classes over the course of 2 weeks starting April 7th. For the first time in years, we are excited. I think it's because we finally are moving towards a goal and we are doing something instead of sitting in limbo. Though we are both very impatient and want this whole process done yesterday!

We are pretty particular in the type of child we want, so it may take awhile longer. We want a white child with no medical problems. We either want one child a year or younger or a sibling group of 2 with the oldest no older than 2. The sex of the child doesn't matter to us and we don't have to have a new baby. I know others disagree with us feeling that way, but we would actually prefer the child to be closer to 1. That is such a fun age. We are probably crazy to say we want two children at once. I don't even know how we will handle going from no children to 2 children. Shane seems to thing it won't be any harder to have 2 children instead of just 1. What does he know, he is an only child! But the way we look at it is that it has been such a roller coaster ride, that we are not sure if we want to go through this all again so why not get it done at once. And they would be biologically related which is a plus.

Our first post

After reading many different blogs about others' adoption experiences, I was inspired to start a blog of our own. It is a good way to keep everyone updated on what is going on with us. Though I can't guarantee how often I will post on here, but I will try. This blog will be from the both of us, though I doubt Shane will ever post on here. He doesn't even know I have created this. Guess I better tell him tonight.

Some of you know and some of you don't, but we are not able to have a child biologically. It has been a very long road and that was the outcome. Needless to say, it's not the outcome we were praying for. Please don't ask why we aren't able to, just trust me when I say we can't. It's a very personal situation that we don't want to share with the world. June of this year will have been 3 years since we started trying. It has been the most emotional, stressful time of our lives and I would never wish infertility on our worst enemies. It consumes your life and it takes a toll on yourself and your marriage. It's hard when everyone around you is having babies, most of which are unplanned. I'm not saying that they don't love their children, just sometimes it's unfair. It's hard to go to little kids birthday parties and I have completely banned going to baby showers. I know that might sound selfish, but that is the best way I know how to deal with it. I have asked god so many times what we did to deserve this. But there are no answers to why this is happening, it's just part of life. Lucky us! Some of you have asked why do we want children so bad. We have both always imagined being parents. We want to be able to give the same love and support that both of our parents have always given us. We can only hope to be as good of parents to our children as our parents were to us. If you can't tell by now, our mothers mean the world to us. Well, I am getting quite emotional as I am typing this, so I will post again tomorrow.