Past few days

The past few days I have been very frustrated. I think the excitement has left for awhile. Now that the classes start tomorrow, it's all starting to sink in. I am just frustrated that we have to go through all this. We got a letter of 15 things we need to have ready before the homestudy. Once they start the homestudy, it will be a minimum of 90 days before we will be licensed. That means another summer without a baby. One of the things we have to do is fill out a profile application for each of us. We each have to fill out 16 pages of every kind of question you can imagine. An example is "Who taught you about sex and how?" Please tell me how that is going to reflect the way I will raise and love a child. Another question, "Are you and your spouse sexually compatible?" That really is none of their business. It's not like that is something we will sit and talk with our kids about. I just feel like the whole thing is an invasion of privacy. I understand them wanting to make sure we are not crazy or will hurt these children, but there has to be a limit. Everyone who gets pregnant does not have to go through all this. If they did, about 40% of the world would not be qualified to have a baby. It's like they are judging us on everything you do and we find ourselves being paranoid about EVERYTHING.

The whole adoption or foster/adoption industry is bullshit most of the time. They break us down (as if we weren't already). The costs for everything are ridiculous. How are average people supposed to afford it all. And most time they don't put the needs of the children first. If they did, there wouldn't be so many children out there in the system. I feel like no matter what path we go down, there are going to be roadblocks and bumps the whole way. Maybe we were sent down this path for a reason, but everyday I ask what that reason is. I often wonder if I have done something in my past to have deserved this, but I can't come up with anything that should result in this type of punishment.

I just wish others would realize what a blessing and miracle it is to be able to have a child. We know several friends and family who completely take their children for granted and only dote on them when it's convenient. Situations like this are starting to affect me more now then ever. They have experienced things we will never get the chance to do. We will never know what it's like to feel the baby kick, to see the baby move on the sonogram, to hear the heartbeat, the anticipation of finding out the sex, to hear that first scream when you give birth, to hold that baby for the very first time. And most importantly, we will never know what a child created by the both of us will look like. Who's nose, eyes, hair, personality, feet will he/she have?