Wednesday, June 11, 2008

How much do you tell?

I have recently joined a few local mommy groups. I haven't attended any of the playdates yet, but plan to soon. I am at a loss on how much I tell these others mother's about Bryson. When others ask how old Bryson is and I say 19 months, they are usually like, wow he's small. Family and friends have told me he looks smaller in person than he does in pictures. He is small and is still wearing 9 months short & pants, but that's ok. I don't mind him being small. I also have met two other mommy's during my maternity leave that both had children a few days younger than Bryson and they were much more advanced. I try not to compare him to other children, but I do it mentally and see where Bryson should be. If others knew he was adopted and lived in an orphanage, then they would completely understand why he is small and slightly behind. We plan to raise him to be proud that he is adopted, but I also don't want him to walk around with a "I'm adopted" sticker on his forehead.

I have also taken Bryson to a few Gymboree classes (which he loves) and sometimes feel uncomfortable around the other mommy's there. They will often talk about what their child did at 6 weeks or 6 months and I can't say anything because my baby was sitting in a baby home at that age. There are times that I feel like I have been Bryson's mommy forever, but times like that, I am quickly reminded that I have only been his mommy for 4 months.

How much do you tell others about your adopted child?

Thanks for the comments. Let me add that Bryson's size nor comments made about it does not bother me at all. That was just an example of situations I have been in. He was born at 30 weeks and weighed 3 1/2 pounds and in my opinion he has caught up well. I also want to add that I in no way think Bryson is too far behind or dumb. He is amazingly smart and catches on very quick. He's behind in his language and a few other things I have noticed.

7 comments:

Tanya and Don said...

Marie,
It is so hard to know what to say. Bryson is much smaller in person than in pictures!! But cute as a button! I am battling the same thing. Found a mom's group and just wondering when to start, etc. and what to say. It is a strange feeling. I also have moments when people ask who he looks like or when Don is along and people say he looks just like his dad! LOL I keep thinking O will catch up developmentally and I won't have to say anything, thus my delay in starting the Mom's group. I wish I knew what to say. Hoping you get some great advice though!
Tanya

Susan said...

Don't say anything, unless it specifically needs to be said. If they say he's small say, "Yes he's a little on the small side, but you know, dynamite comes in small packages" and leave it at that.

It's hard not to compare our kids to other kids that were not in orphanages. Artem is pretty on track size wise and developmentally but language wise he's got a long way to go. It's hard not to see kids that are younger than him that talk up a storm and not compare him. I'm finally learning to be proud over how far he's come since we met him at the orphanage rather than how much more he needs to learn to be at the same level as the rest of the kids.

If people make comments let them go but if someone says something like, "How much did Bryson weigh when he was born?" then answer them with something like, "I'm not sure exactly, we adopted him from Russia and his birth weight wasn't noted in his records." Usually that's enough to keep them quiet but if they ask more and are sincere then answer them but if they are just digging for dirt on Bryson then I would probably tell them that Bryson's story is really his to tell when he's old enough and willing to share it.

Anonymous said...

Marie,
Bryson may be small, but he isn't "that" small. How big are these kids you are seeing? There are plenty of kids that are small for the age (maybe there parents are small, as his could be too).
I don't think there is anything wrong with telling anyone anything they want to know about his adoption or even that he was adopted, if they are sincere. If you want him to be proud of being adopted or at least to grow up knowing that, I don't see the harm in sharing it with others. If you are feeling uncomfortable, maybe you should try and adoptive parent group first. At least they would have some of the same feelings & issues as you are facing now.

Anonymous said...

Marie,

Sabrina was born at 27/weeks and she is small for her age as well. If people ask me in our play groups I just say she was a preemie and the doctor told me not to compare her with others sense she had a low birth weight. For the most part is works. She is delayed in talking as well, but I have not had anyone say anything about that. He will catch up in weight & talking soon. Maybe even before you want him too!
Try not to stess out about any of it. I feel I have and its not worth it. Enjoy him small! I beet myself up trying to but weight on her, so people would stop asking me why she was so small and now I don't feel like I have a baby anymore. ahahah they grow up fast!

Cameron

Anonymous said...

From a teacher's perspective...

Bryson is cute as a button. Share as much as you are comfortable with. As far as his physical, social, and language development, each child progresses at their own pace. I have some children in class who have lived in America all their life and do not perform at the expected level and then I have others who moved to the US from other countries within the past two years who excel.

Give your parenting a chance to grow along with Bryson. He will be prepared for anything that comes his way. You are doing a great job so far! You'd also be surprised at how quickly kids can have a growth spurt. My sisters preemie twins were tiny tiny, then all of the sudden...wow they have grown! Bryson is doing just fine I'm sure.

Take care,
Katie

Mark and Sinziana said...

It's funny how much Bryson and Diego are alike. Diego was born at 32 weeks and weighed almost 3 pounds. I took him to a Baby Time program at my library and I was very nervous about how he would behave. I almost mentioned to the mother next to me that we just had adopted him few months ago, but at the end I didn't. Then, on Sunday we bought a high chair from craigslist and when we met the couple who sold it to us, we ended up talking and they were asking about Diego (who was with us) and we somehow we mentioned about his adoption and they also had a daughter from Russia!! So, we ended up having a really nice conversation with them. My advice is that don't jump to think you have to talk about his adoption to everyone. Sometimes you may want to, other times, you may not.
Sinziana

Beth said...

Marie - I have to agree with Sinziana. I found myself telling some people and not others - it depended on the situation. I remember a time when I took Luca to Mommy and Me Swim class and everyone was talking about where they gave birth. One mother (who always seemed nosey and opinionated) asked me where I gave birth to Luca. As quick as can be I said, "Ekaterinburg, Russia" - she was at a loss for words and never asked anymore nosey questions again.
With Luca, being a 32 week preemie, I found it really hard, as he too was small and developmentally behind his peers when he first came home. They do catch up quickly though!