I have a lot of issues weighing on my heart lately. My mind is constantly running and I feel so worn down. I could sit here and tell you that everything is wonderful and that I have the happiest little boy, but then I would be lying. We have good moments and bad moments. I can't even say that we have completely good days anymore. I see others post on their blogs about how happy their children are and I'll be honest, I'm jealous. There are things Bryson does and I don't know why. Is it because he was institutionalized and has attachment issues, is it because he is a toddler or is there an underlying problem. I don't know how to tell the difference.
First off, Bryson has more energy then any child I have ever seen. He doesn't stop, ever. He honestly can't sit still for longer than 30 seconds, unless he is confined and even then he is trying to get out or move. I'm not exaggerating. Nothing grasps his attention for long either. If he is playing with a particular toy, that might last for a minute before he is off to another toy. That cycle continues. He wants 100% of your undivided attention at all times. This makes cooking dinner, getting dressed or anything else very difficult. At home, he wants to be held all the time, preferably standing up. We hold him a lot, but it's impossible to hold him all the time. If we are anywhere but at home, he doesn't want to be in our arms at all. We can sit and play with him in our lap, but he gets in out of our lap continuously. I HATE taking him to doctors appointments because he can't sit still and I am constantly chasing him. I usually start out by keeping him in his stroller for as long as possible though he will scream and try and get out the whole time. If he is sitting on the table in the doctors room's, he is trying to tear the paper, stand on the table or get into all the cabinets. Yesterday he had a doctors appointment and by the time we got home, I was wiped out. There came a point while at the doctor's where I was ready to hand him over to anyone that would have taken him from me.
He is cranky and cries a lot of the time. I know he is teething and is having some stomach issues, but at times it rarely feels like he is happy. He throws fits over anything and everything. He will throw himself on the floor and scream. I can't tell you how draining this can become. There are days I want to lock myself in a room and cry. I find myself doing everything to not lose my patience with him. Speaking of screaming, he does it often. Not because he wants something, he does it just to do it. These can be ear piercing screams. He will also go up to other children, puts his hand on them and screams. Needless to say, this often scares the child's parent and then I get the dirtiest look.
He doesn't seem to grasp what no means. Maybe children at this age do not understand the concept yet. If that is the case, please excuse my inexperience. With anything, we can tell him no over and over, but it doesn't faze him. For example, he enjoys playing with the vertical blinds on our sliding glass doors. He has already torn off 2 panels. At least once a day, we tell him not to play with them. Does it bother us that he is playing with them, no. Do we care if he rips anymore off? No because we plan on replacing them. That's not the point, we don't want him to think he can pull on anyone's vertical blinds. He eventually has to understand that it is something he cannot do. We have recently started time-outs. I know he doesn't understand what we are doing, but he doesn't like having to sit that long in one spot. The whole minute and half, we are placing him back in his spot over and over.
He often takes out his frustration on me. Sometimes he smacks me with a toy, other times he flails his arms and scratches me. The newest thing is he will grab my arm and try to bit me. Some might suggest that we should limit our activities outside the home, but believe it or not, change of scenery usually helps his mood. He doesn't seem to want to sit at our house for long. Others might say it appears he has attachment issues, which might be the case. I know attachment is a long process and doesn't happen overnight. I can say that he is definitely a mommy's boy, he loves affection and he makes amazing eye contact.
With all that said, I love my son more than I thought it was ever possible to love someone. I wouldn't trade him or his baggage for anything in the world. There are just days that I feel so helpless and lost and feel that I am failing him as a mother. I am looking to others for any insight or advice that they might have to improve the situations we are dealing with. At this point, I am willing to try anything.
Follow us down our new path, raising our wild baby boy who we adopted from Novosibirsk, Russia.
Shane & Marie
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13 comments:
Marie...you just described Luca and what life was like for me/him when he first came home. I will respond more on the boards to you, but wanted you to know that you are not alone...I walked through that fire and things are wonderful with him now (most days, he is almost 4 afterall!)
You are not alone. Sometimes I feel like all I do is say "NO!" even to things we have repeatedly said no too. Daniel will sit for a time out but screams the whole time. I've tried several other things and some work, some don't - at least for a few days. I once read you just have to survive the first few years and then they become fun!! I'm banking on that -Anyway - email me anytime - I would love to chat!
Marie - Thank you for being honest! I don't trust those 'everything is perfect' posts anyway.
It may be possible that he is expression some PTSD symptoms. When we went to the Federici conference, he noted that PI kids are disporportionately diagnosed with ADHD - indicating that he does not believe the diagnosis always fits for these kiddos.
You might check with your agency and identify an attachment therapist in the area. Bryson is young! If you guys could get some good, evidence based guidance - this would definitely be the time to do it.
Know you're in our prayers. And, try not to be too jealous - everyone struggles!
cm
Marie,
Can say I understand all of the issues associated with adopted children. But I do know that a mothers love for a child is never ending. You have grown so much as a Mother and I am very proud of you. Know that I will be there to help with whatever I can, as we work through the issues with Bryson. He is a beautiful baby boy and I am proud to be your mother and his Oma.
It will all workout it just may take some time.
Love, Mom
I remember my husband asking me "Is AP ever happy...she just seems miserable a lot of the time." This was in the first 6 months home and she cried a lot. It is hard for these little guys to learn to express themselves and know what to expect in their new world. Every child acts out that frustration differently and it gets so much better and easier! Hang in there.
It sounds to me like a lot of what you are going through is toddler with some attachment issues thrown in for good measure. I know sometimes it feels like I'm one of those dolls that you pull the string on her back and she says, "not for Artem" over and over and over again. I have to keep in mind that his world was so small in the baby home and now there is so much for him to see and do and get into.
A couple things come to mind that I'm just throwing out there. You say he likes to get out of the house and get a change of scenery. Have you thought that maybe he is someway fighting attaching to your house, and when you go somewhere its almost a relief to him b/c in his mind he doesn't want to be there too long so he doesn't get attached to it? Does that make sense? So it seems he enjoys being on the go but maybe he is relieved to get out of the house because he doesn't want to attach himself to it. Maybe you need to cut back and go back to keeping your world small and he has to accept the fact that your house is his home and attach himself to it. Like I said, just throwing that out there, I could be way off.
On the energy thing, what does his diet consist of? I taught Kinder and 1st grade for 10 years and a lot of my students that were diagnosed ADHD really needed a diet overhaul and not meds. It wasn't necessarily the sugar that did it but the preservatives in the foods like the quick fix meals and pre-packaged meals. Is he eating things with red dye in them? Red food color is in a lot of things that are not necessarily red, that sounds weird but you would be surprised at waht food that stuff turns up in.
What about his room? How much is in there? Is it possible to have a room that is his playroom that has very little in it and sit with him, door closed and give him a choice of 2 or 3 things to play with. Set a goal of maybe 2 minutes to sit and play with the toy. Set a timer. If he stops after a few seconds redirect him back to the toy to sit and play with it. Play with him. If he makes it 2 minutes then give him lots of love for it and let him go on to something else. If he fights you on it, how about holding him in your lap, arms wrapped around him for the remainder of that time until the timer goes off. Try it again in another hour or the afternoon. See if you can slowly build up.
I'm not an expert by any means, just throwing stuff out there for you to try. You can tell me to sit on a tack and I won't get offended, just thinking of anything that might help you. I'd love to link your blog to mine so I can check in and see your progress. Let me know how it goes.
Susan
I am sure it is very heard- not knowing what things could stem from being in a ababy home and which would be just attributed to being a toddler. Our boys have displayed some of these same characteristics at moments in their lives, but since he is from an institution, there's alwayas a need to evaluate that option because you'd never want to neglect something because you think it's from "A" when ion fact it could be from "B." Just stay as consistent with him as possible and I'm sure that there will be a achange in him soon- that seems to be the way toddlers run anayway- just when you get used to something, they change a bit. LOL!!
Hang in there Marie. We've only been home a week and I've already been bitten and scratched and I can't wait for nap time because I can finally use the phone, computer or bathroom. Alex is definately high maintenance - but it seems like probably all adoptive kids are high maintenance at first. I hope you get through this phase quickly!
Obviously I don't have any advice bc I haven't been through any of this, but I am saying a prayer for your family and sending you hugs. If I were in your situation, I would probably start by contacting my agency to get as much info on attachment as I could. Reading, websites, professionals... I would try to arm myself with information. I'm not saying B needs to go to therapy or anything like that, but these resources might have ideas for you that I can't give.
Hang in there.
Marie-I know we have already talked about this, but so much of what you are describing we have been thru. It is hard and even harder when you have some medical issues compacting it. You are doing the best you can and you are a great mom. Attachment is a hard process at times, many times you take one step forward and 2 back. I think we always have to look at the situation thru our children's eyes and all they have been thru.
I also believe that once his health is back on track you will see a totally different kiddo, that is how it was with Maks. When they don't feel good and they are that young, they can't express this to us and their frustration gets worse.
Hang in there and keep up the great work!!!
Hey Marie! Just wanted to send you some hugs. You could have been describing Ivan. We still have our days. In fact, currently he's been spitting on me and hitting me when ever I tell him no. He only does this to me, which of course makes me feel like I'm a failure of a mother. I will say this though, we will get through it. Ivan has gone through fazes. He will be doing great and then revert back to this horrible stage. Today in fact, he had a complete melt down for about 45 minutes. It happened at my Mom's house. He screamed and screamed (no tears, just screaming), hit me, pushed me away, spit on me etc etc. At first I put him in time out. That actually seems to escalate things. Then I tried to hold him. He fought me tooth and nail. Finally I had him sit right in front on me and talked to him softly telling him to come to me, to calm down and give me a hug. He refused for the longest time and then totally stopped screaming, looked and me, jump in my arms and sobbed telling me he was sorry. I truly believe he has some attachment issues. Not severe by any means, but there is something there. It's very, very difficult to keep your cool. There are times I don't. I've tried spanking and that doesn't work and only makes us both feel awful. The thing that works the best for him is keeping a low, even tone of voice and talking calmly to him. I let him have it out and have him come to me on his terms and not mine. The whole time I look him in the eyes.
It's very frustrating when he only acts like that with you. No one else understands and under estimates what you are going through. I know, I've been there too. Please know you are not alone. If you ever need to vent, by all means drop me a line!!!!
Hey... and don't be afraid to have a time out for yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've had to just walk out of the room while Ivan is throwing a fit because I know if I don't I will completely loose my patience.
Hang in there. Things will get better I promise!!!!!! ((HUGS))
Hi, Marie,
You are being the best mother you can be to Bryson. You are not failing. We can only do so much sometimes. I had many days during our first months at home, truly the first 9 months, that I cried. With Owen, the eye contact and not accepting affection have been the most difficult of all, but he also did many of the things you are describing. He was and still is SO busy. Everyone always remarks about how active he is (unless he's confined to a highchair, carseat, or stroller!). It was so frustrating at times and so exhausting chasing him around non-stop all day long. He used to throw stuff out of frustration too.
I agree with a lot of what Susan said. He may be trying to escape the home environment by wanting to go out an do things, which is an attachment thing. One thing we did with Owen was limit the amount of out-of-the-house activities for a long time. We carried him anytime we did go outside of the house, for walks, to the grocery store (or put him in the shopping cart with a hand on him), to people's houses, everywhere. He'd ask to get down, and we'd tell him "You have to stay up. Mommy is going to hold you." This has helped him to learn to stay with us and depend on us. He now knows in most places that we are going to hold him, at least at first. He still explores other people's houses and has to be reminded not to go too far if he's down and walking, but he is able to control these impulses so much better now.
Part of this curiosity is age-related, as is the not listening to "no."
I remember telling Owen over and over not to open the drawers of a desk in our hallway, and I ended up just taking the knobs off because it was easier at the time. He was so used to being confined to a boring crib that he just wanted to explore. He liked being in control of something, seeing how it worked, and hearing the sounds things made. He still does, but he older now and is able to refrain from touching things more easily. I remember learning in graduate school that children at age 2 do not have the ability to control their impulses, that you can tell them not to touch something over and over, but their brains are not mature enough to keep from touching it again. I know it is incredibly exhausting constantly moving Bryson away from the blinds and doors. Have you tried telling him "This is not a toy. Go find a toy. Get your ____" when he tries to touch the blinds? This has helped Owen with not touching a variety of things, and we can say it in a lot of different places without having to say "No" all the time. We used to have to help him get started playing with something else to keep him from going right back to the blinds, drawers, etc, but now he is able to walk away on his own and find a toy to play with by himself (at least for a minute before coming over and pulling us by the hand to play with him).
Another thing that helped Owen's attention was putting him in a "play yard" (plastic gated 5x5 area) in our living room to play with a few toys at a time (similar to Susan's suggestion for putting just a few toys at a time in his room to play with). I put a basket of books, a bus, and his play food in there, and that was all he had to play with. This way he wasn't overstimulated by bunches of toys at once and not able to focus on just one for a while. We have noticed that he does best in small spaces. If he has too much to look at, listen to, or too much room to roam, he can't focus his attention on ANYthing! Also, I would get in the play yard with him and teach him how to play with the toys. When he tried to change toys, I'd say "We're not all done with the ___ yet. Look! Here's a ___! Do you see the ___?" and try to get him to look at the book/toy again. Even if it's just for a minute or so, he'll gradually play longer with each thing. Owen still has a short attention span compared to other almost 2 1/2 year olds unless he becomes really involved with something (which is rare), but it is SO much better than it used to be!
Owen also wants our full attention 99% of the time, but we have been so happy to see this (and tired of playing and want a break at the same time!). He required no attention at all when we adopted him, which was so hard to watch. He didn't even care if we were in the room. The more he trusted us and we taught him to play with us, the more he interacted and wanted our attention. It's hard now because it's tough to get anything done! I know it's exhausting, but I think it's a good sign towards attachment that Bryson wants your attention all the time.
The screaming is likely the phase that most children go through around this age (12-36 months). It often happens when children can't express themselves in words effectively yet. Is Bryson able to tell you what he wants and to talk to other kids without screaming? Owen tries to scream sometimes, especially if he hears another child screaming, and we calmly tell him in a low voice, "We don't scream. We use a quiet/inside voice. All done screaming." We had to do this multiple times before he caught on. Some kids' screaming phases last longer than others, and it's so irritating, isn't it? Whereas some kids scream to get a message across, others scream for attention. My friend's little girl (biological daughter) did this in the car!! It drove her mom crazy! She was doing it for attention/a reaction so my friend started taking her to stand in a corner every time she screamed, no matter where they were, and she stopped doing it. She really just wanted the attention, and when she didn't get it, she stopped.
I don't know that time outs are effective at 18 months for a child who was so recently adopted. With Owen and other kids I've worked with in the past, I used diversion/distraction/redirection with children Bryson's age. Our pediatrician told us to wait until after 2 for Owen due to his pre-adoption environment and attachment issues.
This is one of the hardest jobs, isn't it? There are still days I want to cry seeing how far we still have to go, but Jim always reminds me of just how far Owen HAS come and the progress he HAS made, and it helps me to get through the tough times.
Good for you for reaching out on your blog. I wish I had done that more in the beginning. I felt like there was so much pressure on me to make Owen "normal" (and still do of course), but we really can only do so much. It's not our fault that our children came to us with histories, and it's not their faults either. It's hard to remember this sometimes.
If you ever want to just talk, email me and/or email me, and I'll give you my phone number.
Things will get better.
Marie,
Chiming in late here - but I truly relate to your post. I felt so lost and alone with all of Cade's surgeries in the beginning. I refer to that first 4 months as my new adoptive mommy coma... It truly feels like a blur. When they are not healthy they can't attach and are still in survival mode. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up. You are an amazing mother to that sweet boy. You have amazing advice and support! Hang in, knowing it will heal and get better - promise.
Blessings to you,
Dana
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